In order to progress in my life I need to admit some hard and fucked up truths to myself. I have buried some of these things for almost the entirety of my life and I am not really sure why I have done so.
I have had body image issues for as long as I can remember. I have always been heavier than most of my friends. I didn’t really notice until my sister would call me a fat cow as means to hurt me when would fight, which was often. At some point when she was saying this, I started noticing certain things about myself and began comparing myself to others. When she did this, she didn’t realize the impact this could have nor would I expect her to at a young age. Kids are assholes.
I was at a sleepover in 6th grade and we all weighed ourselves. I weighed 120lbs and it glared out at me. I was MUCH heavier than all of my friends. I felt bad about myself. This has continued and has brought on feelings of deep self loathing, lack of self-confidence ( especially at this point in my life ) and depression. I went though a spell in jr high and high school where I declared war on food. I would count calories in a tomato slice for gods sake. I wasn’t at a point where I wasn’t eating but I would eat very little and merciless count calories. I always ‘felt’ better when I was at my skinniest. This was perpetuated by the positive attention/reinforcement that I received.
I have always been coined at the person who didn’t care what other people thought, was completely carefree and happy. Little did/does anyone know the underlying truth. This has hindered many aspects of my life. I haven’t felt confident in my career because of this. My lack of self-confidence did not unleash the best of me. Personally I feel depressed and this self loathing makes me not want to engage with people or feel sexy for that matter. My brain is constantly trying to tell me to get up, stop wasting time and take your life back. When it comes down to it, I talk myself out of it and of course feel worse. It’s a very shitty cycle and really tough for me to break.
I tend to pour all of my energy into others which feels like a method of deflection as not to focus on myself. I have always been good with people being in leadership. I love lift people up, help and support them and develop them. I seem to have lost the knack to balance my life and the lives of others.
I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I have gone on small bouts of working out and eating right only to revert to my old ways. This leads me into a deeper depression. I feel like I’m at the bottom of this huge hole that I can’t quite to dig myself out of. I am working on digging out with some extremely motivational books, which I NEVER thought would be something that could help. What I need to get into my head are a few things:
I need to make these changes a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix.
I need to think about what I really want out of life, personally and professionally.
I need to create a balance in my life.
I need self-discipline.
postcardsfromtheedge 