Invisible

Am I invisible?

I have often asked myself this question over the years. It first popped into my head when I was at the airport and this gentleman stepped on my foot in the boarding area without a second look or and apology. It seems silly, I know as airports are busy places, with busy people. I thought it couldn’t be a simple matter of busy people in busy places when the same gentleman ran into me while boarding without a second look. Perhaps he was a self-important asshole? Though how do you not notice stepping on someones foot or running into someone?

I am feeling invisible in this moment. After a weekend away my partner has just arrived home and its like I’m not even here. Did he miss me? Sure. But now he is sitting on the couch, completely immersed in his phone. I have tried to make conversation but he didn’t even notice or acknowledge that I was speaking to him about something relatively important. because writing a review for the Airbnb is much more important. Why didnt I demand his attention? Simply becasue I am just so tired of doing so, competing for it is so exhausting and depressing.

Am I being petty? Perhaps. I just hate the feeling that I somehow don’t exist. What is it? Have I put myself here by becoming a shell of my former self? My exuberance and my energy have dwindled so perhaps so has my presence. It is beyond hurtful to feel this way or to even put it on paper.

I am sure that I will look back on this post and feel like I was being too emotional but in this moment, right here and now these are my thoughts…

The Awful Truth

In order to progress in my life I need to admit some hard and fucked up truths to myself. I have buried some of these things for almost the entirety of my life and I am not really sure why I have done so.

I have had body image issues for as long as I can remember. I have always been heavier than most of my friends.  I didn’t really notice until my sister would call me a fat cow as means to hurt me when would fight, which was often. At some point when she was saying this, I started noticing certain things about myself and began comparing myself to others. When she did this, she didn’t realize the impact this could have nor would I expect her to at a young age. Kids are assholes.

I was at a sleepover in 6th grade and we all weighed ourselves. I weighed 120lbs and it glared out at me. I was MUCH heavier than all of my friends. I felt bad about myself. This has continued and has brought on feelings of deep self loathing, lack of self-confidence ( especially at this point in my life ) and depression. I went though a spell in jr high and high school where I declared war on food. I would count calories in a tomato slice for gods sake. I wasn’t at a point where I wasn’t eating but I would eat very little and merciless count calories. I always ‘felt’ better when I was at my skinniest. This was perpetuated by the positive attention/reinforcement that I received.

I have always been coined at the person who didn’t care what other people thought, was completely carefree and happy. Little did/does anyone know the underlying truth. This has hindered many aspects of my life. I haven’t felt confident in my career because of this. My lack of self-confidence did not unleash the best of me. Personally I feel depressed and this self loathing makes me not want to engage with people or feel sexy for that matter. My brain is constantly trying to tell me to get up, stop wasting time and take your life back. When it comes down to it, I talk myself out of it and of course feel worse. It’s a very shitty cycle and really tough for me to break.

I tend to pour all of my energy into others which feels like a method of deflection as not to focus on myself. I have always been good with people being in leadership. I love lift people up, help and support them and develop them. I seem to have lost the knack to balance my life and the lives of others.

I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I have gone on small bouts of working out and eating right only to revert to my old ways. This leads me into a deeper depression. I feel like I’m at the bottom of this huge hole that I can’t quite to dig myself out of. I am working on digging out with some extremely motivational books, which I NEVER thought would  be something that could help. What I need to get into my head are a few things:

I need to make these changes a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix.

I need to think about what I really want out of life, personally and professionally.

I need to create a balance in my life.

I need self-discipline.

 

 

 

Motivation?

What is motivation? Who is motivation? Where is motivation? Why do I need motivation? How do I ensure that I stay motivated with every fiber of my being to keep going, to achieve my goals?

Hmmmmm…

So, I have moved. Settled. And now I am struggling. Mentally struggling with motivation. I can see my goals but I can’t keep myself up to the task. I have written many things regarding getting motivation. Nothing seems to stick. How do I change this mental road block? I am trying to figure this out as we speak.

I look solid on the outside, even telling a good friend I was doing great last night. But what I really wanted to shout from the roof tops is that I AM STRUGGLING.

I see slivers of this old self and ask how can I piece these slivers together to become whole again? I don’t even know..

-N

Monday Evening Vibes

So, I seem to start and fail many things in my life. Or perhaps I quit them? Whatever you would like to call it, that is how my life has been over the last decade. The only thing I have really been good at ( from my perspective ) is my job. I am a former ‘Retail Queen’. I have been in retail since infancy as I like to say but in reality 18. I moved up the ladder pretty quick, have a knack from managing and developing people. I have worked for some ‘big names’ and not so big ones. Because I am good at my job, I have a tendency to allow my personal life to go up in smoke. Let be frank it has been up in smoke for a long time. I chose career and never really could find a balance between the two. I poured everything I had into this career. I missed countless events, wedding duties, birthdays, and just being there for my friends and family. Pretty soon work becomes the excuse not to attend things, see people or keep in shape.

Of course with that, distance grows. Best friends from high school ( that you have known since you were 13 ) fade away. Grandfathers pass away and you are left thinking, why didn’t I take the time off to attend his 80th Birthday? The distance didn’t just grow in the metaphorical sense, it grew in the I live in LA now, and you live in Graham, WA.

I have just ( actually back in March ) moved back to the PNW from LA and left retail queendom in search of something different. ( I had been trying to get out for some time, but I felt like it was the only thing I was good at, so alas retailretailretail )When I first arrived, I was excited at the prospect of being closer to all those I left behind. I quickly realized that after living in LA, there would be some adjusting. The weather first and foremost. It impacted me more than I could ever imagine. I was ( and perhaps still may be ) sluggish, depressed and wondering why did I want to come back her to begin with?

Well, I pulled my head out of my ass at the end of April ( it took long enough.. ) and started to think about getting back my fitness. Before I moved here, I loved to run. I wouldn’t dream of running now. I think the feeling of euphoria from a hard run was what I loved about it, not the act itself. So I started getting back my fitness.

So where does the quitting come in? Well I used countless excuses to quit my social life and become some zombie. I started and quit blogging on this very site time and time again. I started and quit a photo project.  I started and quit workout routines. I started and quit eating healthier and sticking by my convictions ( vegan/vegetarian ). I quit the lemonade ‘diet’ after 3 days-lets face it though, this was a terrible decision. The list could go on but here I am now, still sticking with it. I have also been eating ‘healthier’ but it still needs work. My addiction is spinning-what a brutal addiction to have. After many rides I ask: But did you die though? I just started to learn the fine art of yoga. And let me tell you, I only know three poses and can’t fully execute two of them because, yoga. The last and final thing that I have been into and this is still intermittent is Chakra work and crystals. ( more about this some other time )

So here it is 07.03.2017 and I am working on myself after 37 years of life.

Risk.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot
learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free.”

Leo Buscaglia

I heard this quote today and it really spoke to me. I have been in this sort of limbo in regards to the life I am leading. I have been closely looking at my life from many different perspectives as of late. My soul is not feeling fulfilled. I am on the proverbial fence at work. Being a retail queen is all I know. I have been in retail for many years, so many years in fact I do not know what I would be good at these days. I dedicated so much of my life building this career that I am not sure I want anymore. I sacrificed so much for this ‘career’.  With all of that being said, something is calling my name. What that is, I am entirely unsure. I do know that it will be a risk. Life can change in the blink of an eye, so taking a risk seems like such a small thing to do in the grand scheme of things, but why is it so hard to do?